Sustainable Mommy

The past 2 weeks have been a little rough ... with bright spots scattered in there with Duncan and friends and family. The last time I posted, on March 9th, I had a doctor appointment and Dr. Graves had to numb me up and "redo" a few things. It was painful. :o( Meanwhile, the clogged duct I had would just not go away, and because of the traumatizing experience at the doctor, I didn't remember to ask Dr. Graves about it while I was there. This is not an excuse, of course, but I continued to try to get the clogged duct to go away by myself with hot compresses, massage, and nursing frequently on that side. I talked to the Nursing Station on Friday and she gave me more suggestions and told me to call back in 24 hours. I did, had to leave a message, and no one called me back. I called the lactation consultant at Dr. Graves' office on Monday and she said she'd talk to Dr. Graves about what I should do. They made an appointment for me at a physical therapist for Tuesday for an ultrasound that would try to "break up" the clog. Well, the physical therapist looked at it and said she didn't want to touch it because she said it looked infected. She sent me over to Dr. Graves' office (she wasn't there, though, and I saw Dr. Walsh) and I was told that it was infected. She prescribed me some antibiotics and I thought I was good to go. (TMI warning ...) Well, on Wednesday night the area starting leaking what I thought was thick milk, but it was also pus (I hate that word), and so I called the doctor on Thursday morning and I was told to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to rule out a mastitis abscess. I waited all day for a call back, but didn't hear anything - meanwhile I'm still nursing on that side, very carefully, and having to be very careful when I sleep. I got a call on Friday morning and Dr. Graves wanted me to go visit a general surgeon to see about getting the abscess and the infection out. Well, I thought it was just a consult, but it turns out that he could do it right there in the office. He numbed me, then made a small incision and took out the abscess. Then he put iodine and something else in there and put gauze over it. The whole thing took 3 minutes, but it was awful. :o( After the procedure and until yesterday, I was extremely anxious because every time I had to change the dressing, the gauze would stick and it was AWFUL. I cried every time. But thankfully, I've started using Band-Aids instead of gauze, and that doesn't stick. I had an appointment with Dr. Graves yesterday to check my stitches the tear, and that's healing well, thank goodness. I told her that I might have a nervous breakdown if she'd had to do more things to me down there. She looked at my breast and said it looks like the infection is gone ... it's just going to take a long time to heal because it will heal from the inside out, and it's a hard area to heal, especially since I am nursing. UGH. But at least the Band-Aids don't stick.

Duncan is so precious. I still tend to get extremely frustrated at nighttimes, but Eric has learned to deal with it and not pay attention to what I say - sometimes I say things I don't mean. Duncan has been sleeping in his crib at nights since last Sunday, with consistent six hour stretches, with the exception of the past 2 nights. Last week he was very fussy in the evenings and we couldn't figure out why, but it must be a growth spurt. He looks longer to me every single day. Last night was the worst in a long time - he was awake from 3:30 to 6. He is asleep right now ... we'll see.

We got to meet Alexis this weekend, and I got to see Chrissy for the first time since we became mommies. I definitely feel older ... it is so strange. I can't even put it into words, but I am so glad that we are so close and that our children are going to grow up together. We had a great time - walked around the Summit, ate at Irish Rover and Napa River Grille, and Wild Eggs, and talked about our babies. Alexis is precious - she is all smiles most of the time. :o)

I've been feeling so weird these days - I've just been having a really rough time healing and dealing with everything. I love our son so much, and I just can't wait until I'm healed and can nurse without the shields and we have somewhat of a routine. I have accepted that I will be tired for a few more months until we get him sleeping through the night. I've started pumping a little bit so Eric can give him a bottle at night. I went to Napa River last night without him - he was at my mom's with Eric and he was just fine. It was weird to be without him. I missed him. I'm not sad, though ... in general, I'm just tired and anxious. I don't think I'm depressed - otherwise I would not want to go out and do things. I have been going to playgroup twice a week at Mama's Hip and talking with other moms. It's really nice to get out. In general, I'm not anxious about going out; it's just when it starts to get dark outside that I get worried about what the night will be like. It's not like I have anywhere to go during the day, though, so I don't know why it matters. I just want Duncan to be happy and he is not content very often. I know he's just a baby and not even 2 months old, but maybe that's just the impatience in me coming through. I don't know.

This is really long, so I'll stop here. I could go on, but I'll save it for another day.