Sustainable Mommy

We got to the doctor's office early on Friday. Our appointment was at 10:15am. I got taken back, weighed (I had gained only 1 pound in 4 weeks, which I thought was pretty good considering how much I ate!), peed in a cup, blood pressure, all that good stuff. Then Eric and I sat in a room for about 15 minutes waiting for Dr. Graves. She came in and asked how everything was going ... fine. Then she had this little portable thing that you use to hear the heartbeat and we used that for about 3 minutes. We didn't hear anything so we went into the ultrasound room. This was a different lady. She said that we'd do the one on the belly first and then if we didn't see what we were looking for then we'd do a transvaginal one (sorry for the men who are reading). So, she squirted some of that gel stuff on my belly (it was warm) and turned off the lights (very dramatic) and we looked on the screen and there was nothing. The lady didn't say anything and then she said "Let's do the other one." I asked "Is that bad?" She hesitated and said, "Yeah, sweetie." So she told me to get undressed from the waist down and while I was doing that she went and got Dr. Graves. By this point I was crying, so then we did the other ultrasound and saw the same thing. There's a sack there that measures 9 weeks and then a tiny little "blip" in the middle, and that's it. So ... that's that.

Then we went into Dr. Graves' office and she told us our options. One, let my body miscarry on it's own. Two, she could give me drugs that would make me miscarry at home; it takes several hours and is very painful. Or three, do the surgery. So that's what I'm doing tomorrow. It takes about 30 to 45 minutes and basically involves dilating me and "scraping" everything out. Sounds terrible, but I won't feel it because I'll be completely under. This is the first time I've been put under since I broke my arm when I was 5. I'm more scared now than I was then, but there's a great support group/message board on The Nest Baby that's just for women that have suffered a loss, and they are making me feel better and more at ease about the procedure.

It just takes time, I know, but right now it just seems like everything that is GOOD is so far away. I just have to try to keep a positive attitude. For example: now we have more time to save money. We have more time to be together. I have more time to lose weight (because I started Weight Watchers a week before I found out this time) which will be healthier for me and baby in the long run. We have more time to plan.

All right. So, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow at 8:30 and I'm scheduled for 10:30. Hopefully I will be home by 2 or so. Not really sure.