Sustainable Mommy

That word encompasses so many different things in my life right now.

I am happy for my best friend. I don't want my experience or my feelings to take away from her happiness. She deserves this just as much as I do.

I am trying so hard right now. I am praying for guidance and the power to overcome my jealousy and impatience. I'm not sorry for who I am - I am working on becoming a better person. Please accept that it may take some time.

Everyone keeps telling me "Your time will come." That doesn't help me, so please don't tell me that. My time was here, and it was yanked away from me with no warning. So how does it make me feel when you tell me that it will be here again? Who's to say that it won't happen again?

I know that God has a plan for my life. I know that He is testing me right now - He is testing my ability to cope with what I feel is such an unfair situation. Unfair isn't the right word, but I don't know what other word to use. Ironic, maybe? I don't know. But I know that He is testing me and that He won't give me a child until I am ready. I know that He is making all these people around me pregnant just so He can test my faith and my belief in Him that I accept that He is in control. I am not in control.

I hate that.

I love you, Chrissy. I really do. And I am so happy for you.